Personal story: Khaya

"I've been positive for 14 years, I am 34 now. I was very frightened when I first got the news. I was dating a guy who I didn't really know, and he was very callous and knew of his status. I think that’s what messed me up in the head the most when I realised it was that guy who infected me.

I was at university when I got the news and living away from home. I had to carry on regardless at Uni, although I think friends were concerned when I lost a lot of weight at one point. When I finished the course, I came back to live at home. I went through a few years of being in denial, not even reading anything which discussed HIV in the gay press. I was going out and drinking a lot to escape the truth. Then there was a turning point a few years later and I re-evaluated my life, myself and HIV.

I took the step of going to a clinic, I started to go for regular check-ups, and it wasn't long before I was on meds. My CD4 count at the time was about 160. I wasn’t sure of my viral load at the time – but I assumed it was very high. I'd also lost a lot of weight, but because I was still in my 20's, I just looked like your average slim guy (but I was really aware of it).

I would still socialise with friends, but take the meds in the toilet, never forgetting to take them. My social life has changed as I have got older and I don’t like to stay out late, so taking my meds is even less of a burden. I also only drink on rare occasions, as I have such a low alcohol tolerance and I hate feeling hungover!

My viral load is now undetectable and my CD4 count stable, and it has been that way for several years now (about 10). I have learnt a lot about myself since my diagnosis and how I deal with things; I have become more headstrong, and I don't give up very easily. I have always been private, but because of the diagnosis I am even more private about things such as my health. Although I do talk to very close friends about it – it’s important to have at least one person who isn't a clinician that you can talk to because they are helpful.

I work out, eat sensibly and work on maintaining my health through regular exercise. The weight has come back on, and I don’t have any facial or bodily muscle wastage and I am pleased about that. It would really get me down if I had lipodystrophy or facial atrophy.  I never for one minute forget how my life changed and whilst I no longer dwell on the past, I do have days when I feel depressed because of the whole situation. But then I look at my life and the things I have achieved and that makes me feel better and more determined to do something with my life.

I have not been in a long term relationship because I guess I'm afraid of the reaction if I told the person. There have been short term relationships, but I never feel I know the guy enough to tell them. Although saying that I did date a guy and he disclosed his status and we talked about our experiences- it was a nice change to feel I could talk openly about it. I do think about the future and what it holds but as long as I have good friends who I meet regardless of whether they know my status, that’s the important thing. I do think as I get older, I am more likely to tell a guy, I guess because I know myself on a deeper level and feel more comfortable in my skin, HIV is part of my life, but it does not control my life."