Do I have to share my HIV status with my new sexual partner?

Deciding whether to share your HIV status can feel overwhelming. You may be worried about being judged by a new friend or even losing an opportunity. These negative experiences often occur because of HIV stigma and misconceptions about how HIV is transmitted. But some people also experience support and empowerment after sharing their status with trusted friends and  loved ones. Each of us have different circumstances and know best how this news would be received by the people in our own lives. 

The good news is that sharing your HIV status is entirely a personal and private choice. No one – not your doctor, your employer or your long-term partner – should share your HIV status  without your consent. And no one should force you to disclose your status.

Instead, the process of deciding to share your status should be shaped by what feels right for your health and wellbeing and in some cases, that of the people you interact with. Below we respond to a question from a Be in the KNOW follower who has just met a new love interest and is wondering  whether she should share her HIV positive status.  

Hey BITK team, I just met someone new! He’s funny, kind and we have gone on a few dates and I think I’m ready to take the next step and have sex. I am living with HIV and finding it difficult to decide on whether I should tell him about my status, especially since I don’t know if we will stay together for long. What should I do? 

Patricia

Hi Patricia,

Thank you for sending this message to us!

Meeting new people can be  intimidating – especially when there is a romantic or  sexual interest. Things may feel even more complicated if you’re living with HIV.  You might be worried that by sharing your HIV status you risk being rejected or treated poorly. This is certainly a risk. Given that this person is new to you, you might not know exactly what his level of understanding of HIV and sexual transmission is. And as you’ve said, you don’t know whether he will be a long-term partner. 

Decisions, decisions!
We can’t tell you what to do. But in situations like these, it might be helpful to focus on your  health, your partner’s health and your own mental and emotional wellbeing.

If you choose to share your status, you may want to highlight information that will help your partner feel reassured and understand the real risks, which are very low. For example, if you have an undetectable viral load you may want to highlight this to your partner.  Explain that this makes it highly unlikely to transmit HIV to a HIV negative person through sex – undetectable = untransmittable. You can also inform them about Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis (PrEP) – a medicine that HIV negative people can take to protect themselves from HIV. Both these pieces of information will calm them down and give them a realistic understanding of the low risks involved in having sex with you. 

You might even choose to share that you are undetectable on the phone or via WhatsApp before meeting in person. This can help ease the anxiety that can come with the possibility of a face-to-face rejection.  It might give you the opportunity to have an open  discussion before finally having sex! 

But keeping your status to yourself is also an understandable choice. You might not fully trust them to keep your status private or you might be scared about how they will react when you share this new information. If you  decide to keep your status to yourself that’s perfectly fine. You  can talk to him about  using a condom or you might even  use an internal condom yourself.  It will also be important to consistently take your anti-retroviral medication to ensure your viral load is undetectable. These steps help prevent  transmission of HIV, while  protecting both your own and your partner’s health.

In some countries, people living with HIV can face prosecution for unintentionally transmitting HIV to sexual partners and/or non-disclosure of HIV status even if HIV is not passed on. In Kenya, section 26(1) of the Sexual Offences Act makes it illegal for a person to ‘intentionally, knowingly and wilfully’ transmit HIV. In Nigeria the Sexual Offences Bill contains the same clause. These laws are harmful and are based on an outdated understanding of HIV transmission risk. Taking the precautions we discussed above, can reduce the risk of being unjustly charged for unintentional transmission of HIV.  Make sure you learn about the laws on HIV transmission in your country. 

Remember,  the choice to share your HIV status is  yours to make. Focus on what feels safest for you, what protects your wellbeing and your partner’s health.  Still not sure? Take a look at our page on living with HIV for lots more info on being healthy, and having relationships when you have HIV

The BITK Team.

Get in touch

If you’re in a mixed status relationship (or situationship) and have some questions or tips on how to share your status with a partner, please get in touch with us through our social media channels or email info@beintheknow.org.