How can community educators empower women and girls with male (external) condom negotiation skills?

Young women and girls often lack safe, evidence-oriented spaces to discuss their sex lives. While pastors and imams are often perceived as judgemental, doctors and nurses may seem too busy to listen. 

Community educators are often trusted leaders. They provide factual knowledge about sex, HIV and contraceptives. They also bring deep care and patience for their communities.  This makes them well-placed to educate young women and girls on the importance of condom usage for HIV and STI prevention. They also create safe spaces for private, deep and consistent conversations. These conversations help young women and girls feel empowered to demand safer sex. 

In fact, a study examined the relationship between peer education and HIV prevalence among high-risk groups. The study found that peer education – including education on condom negotiation skills – was associated with a 36% decrease in rate of HIV infection! 

Below we explore 3 common excuses that make it difficult for women and girls to negotiate safe sex. We also provide tips to help community educators support women and girls in navigating conversations around safe sex. Remember, women and girls struggle to negotiate safe sex because of gender dynamics that can manifest in sexual abuse or coercion, and negotiation is not an antidote. The tips below mostly work for women and girls already in healthy, safe relationships. 

Why are women and girls struggling to persuade their male partners to use condoms?

“My partner dislikes using condoms”

In many cultures, condoms are seen as uncomfortable or barriers to pleasurable sex. For some men, particularly religious men, condoms are also seen as interfering with their fertility or religious commitments. Women and girls often have unprotected sex to make their male partners more comfortable.

Tip #1: Remind your client that their safety matters more than their partner’s comfort. Remind them that sex should be consensual and comfortable for both parties. Encourage them to be firm with their partner about their boundaries. 

Tip #2: If your client’s partner is worried about pleasure or comfort, introduce your client to condoms of different shapes, textures, thickness, sizes or even water-based lubricants. Encourage them to keep experimenting until they find the right one for them. Condoms can be uncomfortable or constricting if they’re used incorrectly. Encourage young women and girls to check out fun resources on condoms – for example how to use a condom or how condoms can make sex more stress-free.  

“I trust my partner”

In long term relationships, especially marriages, condom use and being faithful can be seen as incompatible. Condoms are often perceived as tools to negotiate short term, riskier sexual relationships. A woman or girl asking their male partner to use a condom might be taken as distrustful or suspecting that their partner is cheating or infected with HIV or STIS. Additionally, condom use tends to decrease the longer a relationship lasts.

Tip #1: Encourage your client to have open and honest conversations with their partner about their reasons for wanting to use a condom. This can include wanting to protect themselves and their partner from STIs and unwanted pregnancy – particularly if they don’t test for HIV and STIs regularly. 

Tip #2: Tell your client that they and their partner should get tested for HIV and STIs regularly (more than once a year) and learn about contraceptive options. Encourage your client to agree on a testing schedule with their partner to ensure they are safe. Direct them to the nearest HIV and STI testing center, show them how home-tests work and encourage them to visit a nearby clinic to explore contraceptive options. This will make it as easy as possible for them to be protected.

“Asking my partner to wear a condom will ruin the moment”

Many women and girls believe that asking their partners to use a condom in the heat of a sexual encounter will “ruin the moment”. At best, this belief is rooted in the idea that asking a partner to wear a condom is awkward. At worst it is based on the concern that their request won’t be honored if made when their partner is aroused. 

Tip #1: Remind your client to continuously talk about their expectations of condom use before a sexual encounter. It is easier to have open and honest conversations and set expectations when both parties are cool-headed. Also affirm that if their partner breaks these agreements, it is ok to stop having sex with them. Remind them that sex is about pleasure, but also their comfort long term.

Tip #2: Build your client’s knowledge of how HIV and STIs are transmitted. If your client feels knowledgeable, they will feel more confident when negotiating condom use with their partner.