Being in a relationship with someone older

Whether you are dating an older woman or an older man one of the key things to having good sex is feeling comfortable with your partner and knowing you can trust them.

Trust is built on being open with each other and feeling free to communicate about how you feel about every aspect of your life. Once you have this foundation it can help you communicate openly and honestly about your sex life, the things you like doing and the things you don’t – which is the same for any couple no matter the age difference.  

Everyone has the right to be in the relationship they want. But if some friends your age are dating older men or women, it doesn’t mean you have to. 

If you are thinking of dating someone older, it is a good idea to be aware of the risks. It is likely they will have been sexually active for a longer period of time, which means they are more likely to have HIV or other STIs. But if you feel you have less power in the relationship because you are younger, you may find it difficult to insist on using condoms, which puts your health at risk. 

‘Blessers’ and ‘sugar daddies’ are the names used to describe older men who are in relationships with teenage girls or young women. ‘Sugar mammas’ and ‘Ben-10s’ are names for older women are in relationships with teenage boys or young men. 

In these relationships the older partner will give gifts or money to the younger one. This can create difficulties because: 

• they are likely to demand sex in return for the gifts or money they give you 

• they might make you feel you owe them something, which can make it hard for you to have your say  

• it’s more likely they could have HIV or another STI, but it can be hard to insist on using condoms 

• they may be married or having sex with other people, which puts you even more at risk of HIV and STIs. 

With less power to decide whether you want to have sex, the kind of sex you want, or whether you use condoms, your risk of getting HIV increases.  

The best thing you can do if you are having sex with someone older is to use condoms. This might feel like a difficult thing to do, but you have the right to protect your health and prevent unwanted pregnancy. If you feel too worried or scared to talk to your partner about condoms, it could be a sign that you are in an unhealthy relationship. 

People may not always be able to tell you directly that they have been forced into a relationship but signs to look out for are when someone describes some of these things about their relationship:

• Constant fights and arguments – especially where one partner is constantly saying harsh things to the other and often over things that really aren’t worth fighting over.
• Feeling like they have to walk on eggshells around their partner.
• Feeling insecure and lonely within their relationship.
• Being ridiculed and embarrassed by their partner, including in public.
• Not being allowed privacy, or having to get permission to see friends.
• Having no control over their finances.
• Being forced to have sex when they don’t feel like it.
• Experiencing physical abuse or threats.

It’s important not to pressure someone who is in a forced relationship about what they need to do. But you can offer them support by listening and if they want to discuss ways to get out of the relationship you can talk about:

• How you and other trusted family or friends will support them.
• Creating a strategy to leave the relationship, including finding somewhere safe to go, planning a safe time and way to exit, thinking about what documents and belongings can be taken.
• Once they have left it can be good to seek counselling to deal with any trauma.