How to have oral sex

When you give someone with a penis oral sex, this is also known as a blow job. A penis does not need to be erect for you to start oral sex but you can use your hand to arouse them first. If you hold the penis during oral sex, you can control how deep it goes into your mouth. You can move your hand allowing the penis to go as far into your mouth as you are comfortable with.  

A penis is highly sensitive, so be gentle at first and slowly work up to a faster pace. You can try moving your tongue, mouth and head in different ways to see what works best for them, but never use your teeth unless asked.  

Remember you can stop at any time. It’s also up to you to decide if you want to let them ejaculate (or cum) in your mouth. If they are wearing a condom you will both be protected against STIs.

A person with a vulva may find it arousing if you spend some time kissing and touching their upper thighs and the area around the vulva (genitals) before oral sex.  

The whole genital area is sensitive, but the clitoris (with its 8,000 nerve endings) is often the most sensitive part. Gently part the outer lips of the vulva and look for the vaginal opening, and the hooded clitoris just above it.  

Start off softly, using a relaxed tongue to make slow movements and gradually work up to faster movements with a firmer tongue. You can try moving your tongue in different ways and using different rhythms – ask your partner to find out what she enjoys most.

Performing oral sex on your partner’s anus (also known as rimming) can be part of any sexual relationship, whatever your sexuality.  

If you are concerned about hygiene, ask your partner to wash first. You could also bathe together as part of foreplay.  

Your partner may like it if you gently kiss and touch the area around the anus including the perineum (the area of skin between the genitals and the anus) to arouse them before oral-anal sex. You can then focus on the anus, moving your tongue around the outer area and finally inserting your tongue. Remember to listen to your partner and do what they enjoy, whether that’s licking, sucking or gently probing.  

If you are giving oral sex to a woman, don’t move from the anus to the vulva as this can transfer bacteria and cause infection.

The risk of passing on HIV through oral sex is very low unless the person receiving oral sex has an STI or sores on their genital area, or the person giving oral sex has sores in their mouth or bleeding gums. If the person with HIV is on medication and has undetectable levels of HIV, then there is no risk of passing the virus on. 

However, other STIs can easily be passed on during oral sex, in particular herpes, gonorrhoea and syphilis. Certain infections and viruses that are found in faeces (poo) can be passed on through oral–anal sex - this includes hepatitis A and E.coli. 

The most effective way to prevent STIs during oral sex is to use a condom if you are giving oral sex to a man or a dental dam for oral sex on a woman or oral-anal sex.  

A dental dam is a thin, soft plastic cover that acts as a barrier. If you don’t have one, you can cut a condom lengthways from bottom to top to make one piece of material that can be used instead. Hold one side of the dam against your partner’s vulva or anus and lick the other. Never turn the dam over - just use one side. 

If you are having oral sex during your or your partner’s period, using a dam is even more important because menstrual blood can carry bacteria and viruses, just like other blood.

Other steps that prevent infection:  

• don't brush your teeth straight before oral sex as this may make your mouth or gums bleed  

• avoid getting semen (cum) or vaginal discharge in your mouth.  

• avoid oral sex if either you or your partner has sores around your mouth, genitals or anus, damaged or bleeding gums, or an infection in your throat or mouth. These mean a high risk of passing on STIs. Be aware that you may not know if you or your partner has an STI, as infections can be passed on even if there are no obvious signs or symptoms. If you do have sores around your mouth, genitals or anus, you should get them checked out by a healthcare professional as they may be a sign of an infection.  

Deciding whether to have oral sex is a personal choice. Only you know if you are ready to experiment with oral sex. Think about whether it feels right, and whether you and your partner are both comfortable with the idea.  

Talking to your partner about protection before you start having oral sex will help make things easier. This may feel awkward to talk about but taking responsibility for protecting yourself and your partner is an important part of having sex. If you find it too awkward to talk about, you may not be ready to have oral sex just yet.  

You should never give or receive oral sex just because you feel like you should or that you “owe” it to someone - you don’t! Some people will try to convince you to do things by saying things like: 

•  “it doesn’t mean we’ve had real sex – you’ll still be a virgin”
•  “if you don’t want sex at least go down on me”
• “it’s not as risky as having full sex” 

If one of you isn’t comfortable with it, can ruin the whole experience. Oral sex should be fun for both of you.  

Here are a few questions to help kick-off discussions on the issues you need to talk about! You can share them on social, on WhatsApp or just get talking.