How to talk about sex

Here are some tips for finding the right time and place to raise the topic: 

• Pick a moment when you are both feeling happy and relaxed, and neither of you is under any pressure.  

• Avoid raising the topic just before or after sex or before, during or after an argument.  

• Go for a walk or a drive, or go somewhere private where you both feel comfortable. This might help you both get in the right headspace to discuss sex.  

If you are already in a sexual relationship, you could try beginning the conversation by saying something positive like “I’ve been thinking about how much I like it when we…” or “It felt really hot when you…” before moving on to what it is you want to talk about. 

If you are not having sex with your partner but want to be, try talking about why you enjoy spending time with them and the physical things you would like to try to feel closer to them. Remember, you should never put pressure on anyone to have sex with you. There are lots of things you can try that will bring you closer without having full-blown sex. This might be foreplay but it could also be other less physically intimate activities. 

If talking face-to-face feels too difficult at first, here are some other things you could try: 

• send them a message 

• talk over the phone 

• leave a note for them somewhere private  

Once you have done this, agree a time to talk in person as this is the best way to fully connect with each other. 

For ideas of ways to open up a conversation about sex with your partner take look at the discussion starters at the bottom of this page. 

If your partner doesn’t want to talk about sex straightaway it might be because they feel embarrassed or shy, even if they don’t act this way. Let them know that this is okay for now, but that you want to speak about this because you want to have an even better relationship with them. Say you will give them time to think about things and suggest talking about it another day.  

If your partner reacts angrily, think about why this might be. If they keep reacting badly when you bring up the topic of sex, or they keep refusing to have the conversation at all, it could be a sign you are in an unhealthy relationship. 

• Go slowly. It is often easier to start talking about sex by having a few short conversations, then build up to talking more in-depth. 

• Be respectful. Avoid blame and criticism, and focus on things both of you can do to make your sex life satisfying and pleasurable for each other. 

• Be honest. Your partner can’t read your mind, so try to say what you really feel and what you want. As long as you are respectful of your partner’s needs and feelings, it is okay to express yours. 

• Listen. Remember your partner is equally entitled to have needs, likes and dislikes. Give them a chance to tell you what they are thinking and really listen to what they say. 

• Keep talking. Talking about sex with your partner is something you should try to do regularly, so you can keep checking in about how the other is feeling. How we all feel about sex can change over time. The more you communicate, the better things will be.

The first step is knowing what you like. The next is being honest with your partner about what that is.  

You could start by asking them what they like. If that feels too difficult, you could ask them a less direct question, like what time of day they most like to have sex. Then you could ask them what they most enjoy about having sex.  

When you have listened to their answer, tell them if this is something you like as well. Then move the conversation on to what your favourite sexual things are. This could sound like: “I find it so sexy when we…, and wondered how you feel about trying…?”  

You may find that you share some common ground on the things that turn you both on and make you feel good, and that’s great.  

Remember that, just because you tell your partner what turns you on, they do not have to say yes to doing it. Both you and your partner have the right to say no to anything either of you is uncomfortable with. 

Think of you and your partner as a team, working together against whatever is getting in the way of having great sex. No one person is the problem. 

Start by saying something positive by talking about something they do that turns you on. Then ease into what you’d like to change.  

You could say something like, “I know when you did this you were trying to turn me on, and I appreciated that but it didn’t work for me. What I would find much hotter is if you…” 

Try to have this conversation before you start getting physical, rather than in the heat of the moment when emotions are running high. 

Some couples make a ‘Yes, No, Maybe’ list. This is a list of sex acts which each of you can tick ‘yes’, ‘no’ or ‘maybe’ against: 

• What you both tick ‘yes’ to is your common ground – enjoy!  

• What you both tick ‘no’ to shows where the boundaries are. 

• What you both tick ‘maybe’ to shows areas you both might want to explore. 

For the list to work, you have to fully trust each other to give honest and open answers and to keep the list private. If either of you feels pressured into saying yes or maybe to anything, or feels they can’t say no, then the list is not going to work. Remember, even if someone has said yes or maybe to something in theory. When it comes to it, if they say no, they mean it. And you must respect this. 

The first step is to think about what you personally want when it comes to safer sex so you can be clear with your partner. If you only want to have sex if you use condoms, for example, be direct and tell them. They should respect your wishes. Even if this is not what you have done in the past. 

Try to raise the issue before you start getting physical. A good way to start a conversation about safer sex is to tell your partner that you care about them and you want to make sure you are protecting them and your relationship. Some people worry that talking about safer sex will make it look like they are being unfaithful or don’t trust their partner. You could discuss these concerns to help reassure them. 

Once you have agreed what kind of safer sex you are going to have, get practical with the details. Discuss who will be responsible for getting the condoms, arranging STI/HIV tests, speaking to a doctor about contraception, for example. And make sure the responsibility is shared.  

Read more: How to talk to your partner about condoms 

This is easier than you may think. Tell your partner why this matters, and how having your concerns listened to and acted upon will make you feel. When we feel listened to and safe we often feel relaxed, happy and good about ourselves – and feelings these things can lead to incredible sex. When it comes to condoms and lubricants, there are lots things you can do to make them a fun part of foreplay. Describing these things in advance can be a real turn-on.

If you feel this way, you are not alone. Most people can feel shy or embarrassed talking to their partner about sex. Especially if you are in a new relationship or haven’t spoken about sex with your partner before. 

Following the advice on this page might make you feel more confident to raise issue. And the more you try to talk about sex with your partner, the easier and more normal it will feel. 

If you cannot imagine ever speaking to your partner about sex, it could be a sign that you are uncomfortable having sex with them, and that’s okay. Maybe you’re not ready to be physical with them, even if you have done sexual things with them or other people before. It could also be a ‘red flag’ that you are in an unhealthy relationship. 

Read more about healthy relationships. 

It is okay to like different things, but being sexually compatible is also about having some common ground. If you are open about how you both feel, the chances are you will find things you both enjoy. And not every sexual desire has to be satisfied by your partner – you can masturbate to give yourself whatever pleasure you want. 

People have different sex drives, and how much sex we want can change over time. If your sex drives don’t match up, this can be difficult. One partner might feel pressured or guilty for not having as much sex as the other person wants. While the other person might feel rejected because their sexual advances are being turned down.  

There can be many different reasons why people’s sex drives go up and down. Understanding these reasons is key to dealing with them. If you can both talk about how you feel and why, you will be better able to understand where the other person is coming from. And if the reason you do not want to have sex as much as your partner does is because the sex is unsatisfying, talking about this can fix it too.  

The main thing is to communicate so the sex you have together is as good as it can be. It is also good to keep in mind that sex is only one part of a good relationship. There are lots of other ways to feel close that don’t involve sex.  

There are two things to think about here – who you trust to keep your conversations confidential, and who you trust to provide accurate information.  

Ask yourself who in your life you feel comfortable talking to about sensitive issues. These people might be friends, family members, teachers or health workers. This is a sign you trust them and they might be good people to speak to about sex. 

It is also important to think about where you can get accurate information. Sexual and reproductive health services and organisations should provide accurate information, but try to find ones that are youth-friendly. If you are gay, bisexual, transgender, gender diverse or queer, try to find LGBT+-friendly organisations or service. And remember, Be in the KNOW also has you covered. 

Here are a few opening questions you may want to use when talking about sex with your partner: